And actually taking them among other things
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Change is horrifying, everyone hates to change. We’d spend years trying to avoid change and if there is some change upcoming, we drag our feet till the very end of it. Me included. What good can come of it? Why is it necessary?
We are a stubborn species, even the most understanding of us spend a whole lot of time hiding away from trying something new or adding something new to our life for fear of upsetting the delicate balance of what makes us as a person. We make excuses, give a plethora of reasons that don’t make sense and sometimes outright have a breakdown over it. It is like a sensitive Jenga tower that’ll come collapsing in a moments notice should we even breathe upon it.
It might be easy for us to say that we are open to change, and we may even act as though we accept it but there is a whole complex argument that our mind tends to have within itself while we undergo this upheaval around us. I cannot speak for others, but I can definitely point out the cracks that appear within my mental fortress when there is a change approaching.
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Flight or Flight Instinct
This is the first response that kicks up in my head as soon as I notice a change incoming. An entire books worth of reasons pops up in my head stating why doing this could be a bad idea and why it isn’t necessary. I start planning an escape route and have long arguments with myself that stretch deep into the night.
It doesn’t matter whether what’s happening is good or bad, if it’s a change then I go out of my way to throw a wrench in it.
The little things
Let’s start small, buying a new phone when the old one is about to jump out of the window. The first thing that comes to mind isn’t something sensible like the cost of new phone is high, nope. It is the fact that I now have to move everything from my old phone to a new one.
Sure, it is a simple task and would probably take me minutes, but I still find it annoying and inconceivable. And then comes the worst question of all, what if I don’t like it? What if it’s not as good as my old phone?
The logical answer is of course it is, but why would I ever cater to logic?
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Getting Cold Feet
If by some miracle I were to agree to the change I start counting down the days till when I have to go through with it which for me is the scariest part. It’s easy to flip the hourglass but difficult to watch the grains of sand fall through it.
As the days get closer the little voices in my head start chanting. “It’s happening! It’s happening! What are you doing?” and I start going through a tiny mental breakdown where in the simplest solution feels like running through a window and calling it a day.
I start planning exits or various ways out wherein I can pump the breaks or simply leap out of the running car and escape.
The not so little things
College. Seems innocent enough but for an introvert like me nothing could be worse. As if leaving the country wasn’t hard enough, the thought of being surrounded by so many new people left me trembling in fear.
I still remember spending the entirety of the first week feeling nauseated and lost. The loss of a familiar environment left me shook, so much so that I planned every which way in which I could jump ship and run.
This was until I sat myself down and worked through what was going wrong. I figured out that even though I would jump this ship I’d still have to climb another ship and it would be equally new. So, then what was the point?
This was where I came up with the 1-month mantra. If I can stick through the first month, then I can stick through it all. After all it’d all be old news by then.
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Pulling A Runner
It’s the big day. Escape doesn’t seem like a possibility. So, what happens next? My mind automatically sifts through all the possibilities wondering about what can be done and if this is what I wanted. Even if it is exactly what I wanted, the thought of it happening seems so cataclysmic that all I want to do is run.
And that’s exactly what I do.
I run.
Or well at least try to.
The very big things
I love to work; I am passionate about it but there came one day wherein I had to enter a new place and all I wanted to do was scream and throw up a fuss. New responsibilities, new environment, new people, and new sentiments.
It was exactly what I wanted but the thought of change froze me dead. Then I went into a wonderful cycle of self-sabotage where I systematically dismantled everything that was going right for me, because who else can ruin us better than ourselves?
We are the perfect architects of our own misery.
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All decisions are going to be hard, and we will always keep wanting to run away. The easiest thing would be to give up, find a cave and call it a day but that isn’t the fun part, is it? Fun is when we make mistakes, laugh and do it all over again. What if we actually love it? What if everything actually goes right?
It seems scary, it does especially when things are going right, and we are waiting for the other shoe to drop, for everything to fall apart. Sometimes we alone manage to ruin everything that’s happening because why should we be happy? But we do deserve it, for every ounce of doubt we ever had, we do deserve that one drop of happiness.
So, it’s ok to run just make sure it is the direction you wanted to choose.
