This blog post was written by the author under extreme duress after the giant had read the previous one. The annoyed giant chased the poor innocent human across the apartment and pouted and pleaded until the poor human agreed to write this post.
Also, the human lost a bet.
Apparently, as per the giant, the human wasn’t being entirely honest. In fact, several important facts had been omitted or completely forgotten about. So, to return balance to the world this must be done. I do agree in a way that the giant alone isn’t the guilty one, the normal human has also been known – unknowingly- to do a few evil things in the giant’s shared habitat but in the human’s defense it is strictly for survival purposes only! In no way does the human cause as much damage as the giant.
But being the responsible and highly self-aware creature that the human is, she shall honestly put forth her evil means of survival.
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The Walking Umbrella/Wind Protection Device
The giant is inhumanly large as we all know and that means that the giant also comes with a lot of surface area… surface area that I can use. And I do use it, or shall I say abuse it? But hear me out, imagine it’s a sunny day and the Sun has just decided to roast you alive with all its heat, what do you do?
Find a shaded area to stand under or wear a hat or maybe you just carry an umbrella, right?
But what if you have an umbrella that can walk? And that is exactly what I have! An umbrella that walks all by itself. The giant, while towering over me, also manages to hide a good portion of the sunlight and all I have to do is manage to stay a few paces behind him.
What’s even better is if it is a windy day then if I manage to position myself strategically, the giant can also protect me from the wind, and I have no regrets in saying that I use all these features shamelessly.
The catch is that the giant must not know about this.
What if he finds out?
The giant is a cruel creature, also clever at times because they always end up finding out. One fine day there I was, walking along behind him, enjoying the shade when abruptly he turned around and asked me the dreaded question, “Why are you walking behind me?”
I had no replies for that, I stood there silently, hoping he would move on but apparently giants are petty little shits. He scanned the surroundings and immediately came to the right conclusion.
“You are using me as an umbrella, aren’t you?”
From then on, it was all downhill. He started walking beside me! The insult! And if nothing else worked he made me walk before him.
Like some glorified pet.
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The Portable Heater
My natural habitat consists of temperatures not more than 19 degrees but apparently, the planet does not approve of this, instead for some unholy reason (humans) the temperature is as cold as my undead soul or blisteringly hot like Satan’s toe. Either way, not ideal.
But the place that I live in is mostly freezing cold so in the middle of the night I often find myself contemplating the benefits of being a wooly mammoth or taking a bath in fresh human blood but since neither option is readily available, I stick to stealing the blanket whenever I can for myself.
Now the giant is well aware of my ways and has become aware of the many methods that I employ so it is very rare that I manage to sneak away the blanket without him realizing it.
But I too am smart, so I do the next best thing, I use his body heat. The giant is a huge beast, occupying nearly a third of the bed, and generates heat like the Sun, so all I have to do is shimmy closer to him, and aah… bliss.
The catch is that the giant must not know about this.
What if he finds out?
One day, there I was snuggling up to the giant shamelessly and leeching off his body heat when he turned and looked over at me suspiciously and asked the dreaded question, “What are you doing?”
This time I chose to spout nonsense such as true love, affection, and whatnot but the giant knows my innate disgust towards such sentiments and immediately came to the right conclusion.
“You are just using me for my body, aren’t you?”
It was right, in more ways than one but…
I knew I was doomed.
From then onwards, the giant decided to wrap himself like a burrito in the blankets and wriggle away from me like some weird slug creature while I shivered to death at the other end.
He sleeps with a smile while I plan his homicide.
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The Thing Finder
It is well known that we normal people cannot see past a certain limit, it is not our weakness, but our God-given limit because otherwise we would be too powerful so naturally to compensate for the giant’s weakness, he is a little bit taller than me.
Just a little bit.
But anyways whenever I cannot see something far ahead of me, I always wish I had a portable ladder or something that I could just climb on and find whatever it is that I was looking for, but it is not very convenient you see because ladders are too heavy.
That was when I realized that there was a much simpler solution to this conundrum, his legs. The giant is basically a human body with trees for legs. So, now whenever I need something found, I just point him in the general direction and wait for him to enlighten me with the information.
The catch is that the giant must not know about this.
What if he finds out?
He will find out, there is no other way around this because apparently if you poke someone long enough and keep pointing them in random directions, they eventually realize that they are being used as a glorified telescope, and it doesn’t end well either.
The giant found an unholy way to get out of this, he just stopped responding.
He knows he has powers, yet he does not use them for the greater good. He just stands there and enjoys watching me plead. Cruel.
…
It has been many months since we shared a habitat, yet the war continues for the ultimate domination. Some days the giant wins, other days it is me, yet ultimately it is the blanket that seems to suffer the most.
But I refuse to give up, I have managed to find certain weaknesses in the giant, such as how he cannot work without his favored drinks like tea and coffee. But he too knows my weakness for Kiwi. It is a dangerous game with high stakes where the winner gets the blanket.
Though the giant won this round, I am already prepared for the next battle. I refuse to succumb to his evil ways.
