Some books were not meant for the big screen
.
.
.
This gets aggravating at times, whenever we read a very good book, we can’t help but want to see the characters come to life and take us on a journey. I spent countless hours waiting for my Hogwarts letter or hoping for my closet to lead to Narnia, you’ll be surprised to know that neither happened. So, I opted for the next best thing.
Movies.
You’d think it’d be easy to make a movie of something that’s already written but no, it can get bad, very bad. It’s easy enough to butcher the plot of a book that’s already good by making it better but what if the plot is equally bad? The results are truly nightmare worthy. In fact, they include ghastly CGI vampire – wolf (wolfire?) babies and badly tied women.
With the possibilities being endless I had to, with much difficulty, pick the top 3. You may have seen far worse ones on your journey, but I decided to rest my eyes and my soul after these three. My reasons don’t just involve a bad plot, but also a generally bad everything.
The Twilight Saga: Breaking Dawn – Part 1 and 2
Release Date: November 12, 2012
IMDb: 5.5/10
Book based on: Breaking Dawn by Stephanie Meyer
In one line: The good glittery vampires fight the bad glittery vampires while the wolf dates a baby.
To be honest I could legitimately stop with this one line alone because that’s pretty much it, nothing beyond that. The most amusing thing being the fact that the book series was more than enough to frustrate us over Bella’s general inability to do anything without having an existential crisis but now we have 5 movies worth of it too!
Yes, you heard me right, 5, because a series of 4 books required five movies. That’s the reason why my pick consists of Breaking Dawn since that was the book that was divided into two parts in order to make it into a movie. And let me tell you folks, it was entirely unnecessary.
What was in it?
Ok, so I am pretty sure almost everyone knows the premise of the story, it is highly acclaimed after all. But just in case you were blissfully unaware of it, it consists of a girl with poor hand – eye coordination falling in love with a disco ball of a vampire.
He bites her after they – somehow – have a child (yea even I wondered over that) and turns her into a vampire.
So, all this was fine but dear gawd, the other love story that was going on was the truly concerning one. It consisted of a werewolf and a baby. And allow me to explain, the werewolf was fully grown.
Yes, take it in people.
The truly absurd parts?
The fight that didn’t happen.
Parts of Avatar The Last Airbender vampire who never came up before.
The godawful CGI demon baby
The cringe explanation of imprinting
Should you watch it?
Sure, by all means. What is life anyways?
Eragon
Release Date: December 14, 2006
IMDb: 5.1/10
Book based on: Eragon by Christopher Paolini
In one line: Good dragon boy vs bad dragon man.
I loved the book series; it was perfect and had everything. I mean dragons, elves, dwarves, magic… what more do we need? I was so excited to know that there was actually a movie on it, I mean watching Saphira fly? Magical.
But boy oh boy when I watched it, I was surprised. Everything was so wrong; I can get deviating from parts of the book but butchering it completely? You heathens, what have you done?
It felt as though the ones making the book only read its summary and decided to ignore everything else and frolicked off into the sunset.
What was in it?
The story is pretty standard but the worldbuilding is beautiful and the bonds in it are well worth the read. It is about a farm boy (who is SIXTEEN) who finds a dragon egg while hunting and is thrust into a world of dragon riders and magic.
There are talking dragons and sassy mentors with a whole lot of adventure.
Also, a bad guy who kidnaps dragons and employs shades, rotting creatures etc to do his dirty work. This series is like four books long and has talking cats. So, as you can see, we are not lacking for content. Then why have they punished us so?
Let’s pour salt on our wounds.
The truly absurd parts?
Saphira DID NOT have feathers!
The whole Arya dream dance nonsense.
Why not make a series?
The fight that did happen was not even in the book.
The acting, dear god the acting.
The Urgals were literally humans who refused to brush their teeth.
Should you watch it?
Have you no shame?
365 Days
Release Date: February 7, 2020
IMDb: 3.3/10
Book based on: 365 dni; by Blanka Lipińska
In one line: A man who has poor communication skills and bad touch tendencies.
There are some books you cannot turn the pages through on, and 365 days is one of those books. It’s a sad day when even the sex scenes are bad. Having a crush is not a bad thing but, outright kidnapping someone? I do think some might be offended by this.
It is of high levels of madness when one feels Twilight had more of a plot than this. The most surprising thing is the fact that the author had enough words to make this into a whole book plus churn out more than one book of this! It’s a series! And why do the heroines always fall in love with these kinds of men?
What exactly is the “animalistic magnetism”? Apparently, none of us mere mortals have experienced the need to tear clothes and fall in love with Hannibal Lecter’s sad but rich cousin.
What was in it?
Nothing. Literally nothing. It was literally a musical interspersed with occasional fondling. But if you all are still looking for a plot then the basic story is the pouty rich man kidnaps blank faced girl because of some random dream and proceeds to bad touch her.
The girl being the perfect candidate for Darwinism decides to stay and fall in love with him even though he has all the charisma of a sad coconut tree.
Oh, also there is cheating going on. What a wonderful fairy-tale with wonderful, wholesome characters. For all of its intensity you could simply watch grass grow.
The truly absurd parts?
The ability to survive car crashes.
The fact that there is more than one movie.
The “Are you lost baby girl?” line
The random songs, is it a musical?
The yacht scene.
They made two movies in one year.
Should you watch it?
Hahahahaha. Yes. Please do.
…
There is no end to bad movies but when you make it worse than the books which already provide you all the content, then that’s a true talent. I love how some of the trailers were better than the whole actual movie. You may like these movies or even dare to watch them, it’s entirely your choice but I personally feel that getting tortured unknowingly is fine but if you willingly walk down this path then you deserve the 1 plus hours of painful music, bad effects and men who choose grunting over basic communication.
Thank you for reading! Also, I sure do love support and coffees! 💜
