Time to juggle emotions and whatnot
.
.
.
“This is going to be easy.”
Famous last words, I guess. Emotions are not the easiest thing to put into words, there’s a lot that escapes between the lines and hides between letters. I was racking my brain about what I’d write this week, mostly because, writing is easy, but writing something good is hard.
And for me, good writing mostly stems from what I feel and translating that emotion into words. So, on this particular day as I laid back contemplating the general mess of incidents that’s life, I decided to let my brain wander off on the dangerous path called “memories”.
Memories.
The word carries a lot of weight, doesn’t it? Life’s good, bad, and ugly all balled up into one tiny word that can either make you smile unexpectedly, or have you curled up in a ball, making horrible life choices such as watching Twilight in the middle of the night.
This is going to be a mess; I’m picking up the threads as I move along. So, bear with me please.
Alrighty, let’s get on with it!
The start:
So, this whole article kick-started when my phone pinged with a notification, it was from my OneDrive. More specifically, OneDrive memories. Basically, it’s a blast from the past which showcases your old photos that you took on that particular day. Memories.
And there I stood, awkward and leaning slightly to the left, not the most comfortable pose I tell you.
Photographs are the bane of my existence; I could never feel comfortable in one.
And so, I spiraled into memories.
The source:
Early years of school were never easy for me, I had an amazing friendship with this wonderful person but then she left when I entered the 5th grade, I was depressed for a while. For me forming bonds is difficult. It takes a while, and watching her leave affected me. Time passed, and I entered 6th grade.
I started noticing a difference between me and my classmates.
School was all about fitting into the most popular cliques and surviving. I wasn’t.
…why?
It took me an entire year to build up the courage to try to make a change and attempt to make new friends.
It didn’t end well.
The 7th grade:
This was the year I thought being a goldfish was a far better deal than being human. Kids can be cruel little shits you see, mostly because they are far more creative with their insults.
I tried, I tried really hard. But I could never fit in. No one wanted the chubby girl.
I spent the entirety of 7th grade not eating and learning to accept myself as the punchline of every joke.
At some point I began to drift away…? Or better put, detach myself from my body. As in, I was in it but could no longer connect to it as being mine. In some way I blamed it for me not being able to have friends.
There was nothing wrong with me. I was perfectly healthy, but I wasn’t what was “traditional” pretty at the time.
Aesthetics matter.
The slide:
Welp, it was all downhill from that point onwards. The thing is, once you convince your mind about something, there is no backing out. From that point onwards a tiny, floating voice decided to manifest itself in my head.
Its sole purpose was to make sure I knew how absolutely imperfect I was. It would speak out at the most inopportune of times wherein I would contemplate burrowing into a hole and living out the rest on my life as a hermit.
“Hi! How are you?!”
Look, she is judging how ugly your legs are.”
“….I am fine. Uh… I have to go.”
I am not surprised friendships were hard for me.
The turning point…? Breaking point…?
I am not even sure about this. It is all a big blur you see. It was a series of incidents, a cascade of emotions.
I had just entered the 11th grade, I had met new people, made new friends. I felt reasonably confident. Reasonably. But the flying pig eventually fell, guess it was too fat to fly far.
Anyways, there I was minding my own business, joking with my friend. We were enjoying our break, our teacher saw us and came over to talk to us and this is where the memory blurs, I remember her commenting about how I probably didn’t need to eat and shouldn’t eat so much.
That no one would want a fat person.
I was appalled. My friend was appalled. Like, why?
The saddest part was, she was my favorite. I admired her a lot.
I stopped getting lunches to school after that.
.
.
.
The next incident occurred during a physical fitness class; you can already see this isn’t going anywhere nice.
We were having a lesson on obesity. The teacher was explaining the definition of obesity, out of nowhere one my classmates turned and said, “I think you’re obese.”
I couldn’t speak, I was so ….upset? embarrassed? devastated?
I don’t know, I can’t put it into words.
There are only so many blocks one can pull out from a Jenga tower before it crumbles. For a while I didn’t know what to do, I was so lost, I remember walking out quickly from the classroom just so I could get away from everyone. There was too much everything, too many people, too many voices, and too many emotions.
I didn’t want any of it.
The effect:
I left for college as soon as I could, I wanted to get away, as far away as possible. It wasn’t that I was running, it was just that I needed time to sort things out in my head.
Sometimes we need to prioritize ourselves. It’s the healthier outcome.
It was the right choice for me, getting away got me closer to better people and better perspective. I could start anew.
Sometimes we become so lost within our own thoughts, we fail to notice we’re ok.
I didn’t magically lose weight and have things fall into place, I worked towards what I needed.
For me it’s about being ok with myself, no one can come out and say I’m exactly what I’m supposed to be.
We are all working towards something, and that’s perfectly fine.
Some days are still harder that others for me, and I accept that. Some days, it’s all I can do to stop myself from deleting all my pictures, I struggle. It’s an uphill battle, but I’ll hobble along.
We can’t pick and choose our body parts or emotions. We just deal with whatever mess we got, and it’s fine, and personally I don’t think a combination of Natalie Dormer and Jennifer Aniston would be the best thing anyway.
