Book review, Featured, Humor

3 Books That Make You Think… Just Why?

February 4, 2022

If there’s a hero, then so must there be a villain. Seems like a perfect cosmic law and funnily enough it’s applicable on books too. Let’s change it up, shall we? So, if there’s a good book, then so must there be a bad book. And by God do I have wondrous pieces of absolute cringe for you all.

The thing about writing is, there is no limit. There is no limit to imagination, there is no limit to words, and there certainly is no limit to bad plots. That’s where all the fun begins. My shelf has some great books, but I am also guilty of having certain books of questionable taste and that’s what brings us to today’s rambling.

This list can be traced back to the saying, “Curiosity killed the cat”. I never could resist a weird book, for me it’s always like, “How bad can it be?”, and trust me it can get downright painful.

So, without further ado, let the cringe begin!

Midnight Sun by Stephenie Meyer

Genre: Young adult, Fantasy, Romance novel

Subject: “Vampires” apparently

Length: 658 pages

Rating: 3.7/5 on Goodreads

Okay, I will not deny the fact that 13-year-old me was really into Twilight, waaaaay into Twilight. I literally had my iPod wallpaper as all Twilight related stuff. So, we all do cringey stuff! Don’t judge me, but this is unbelievable.

Twilight series on its own is unbelievably drawn out and frustrating. Reading plain girl Bella having an existential crisis over being 18, deciding whether to give her father a heart attack or outright abandoning him, and choosing between bestiality or necrophilia gets tiring after the third book.

But to have the whole series RETOLD?! That too from Edwards side?! Dear God. Why? Alright, we’ll play this game, I was brave enough to read the book. All 658 pages of it. I deserve this pain.

Why should it be burnt?

It’s 658 pages worth of Edwards stalking tendencies. If anyone wanted a How To? Guide on staring at women while doing heavy breathing without them noticing you, then this is the book for you.

Meyers managed to put so much unnecessary details that it takes pages and pages just to move from one scene to another. There is passage on US insect analysis in it for some reason!

In the original series the other characters already appeared less but in this they are practically non-existent. I mean if anything, with Edwards’s power we should know more about them.

Also, as a side note, if you love someone then don’t oil their windows in order to sneak in and stare at them sleep. I’d definitely recommend you all to read this work, in order to understand what NOT to do when you have a crush.

The writing though, there are some gold lines in there alright:

“I knew what had to happen now. The girl would have to come sit beside me, and I would have to kill her.”
― Stephenie Meyer, Midnight Sun

“I watched her as she lifted her face to the light rain with her eyes closed, a slight smile on her lips. What was she thinking? Something about this action seemed off, and I quickly realized why the posture looked unfamiliar to me. Normal human girls wouldn’t raise their faces to the drizzle that way; normal human girls usually wore makeup, even here in this wet place.”

― Stephenie Meyer, Midnight Sun

“I swallowed Bella’s tear. Perhaps it would never leave my body. After she left me, after all the lonely years had passed, maybe I would always have this piece of her inside me”

― Stephenie Meyer, Midnight Sun

Grey: Fifty Shades of Grey as Told by Christian by E. L. James

Genre: Erotic romance

Subject: Christian Grey’s “crotch” apparently

Length: 576 pages

Rating: 3.8/5 on Goodreads

I just, wow. This book. Why? So, it’s a trend now to see an elongated POV of an already elongated POV. The Fifty Shades series was a by product of Twilight, and this hot mess is a by product of Fifty Shades. The sheer gall I tell you. So, the story involves plain girl –apparently this is a thing now- Anastasia learning and doing unspeakable things with a rich man. There is a contract involved and stuff. She doesn’t want it, but he really wants it.

That’s it. That’s the whole story.

Now we get to relive this wholesome journey from Christian’s POV.

Why should it be burnt?

The book is just pages and pages of Christian being a whole lot into corporal punishment than strictly necessary. Every other character might as well have been replaced with turnips for all that they mattered.

Remember the whole “inner goddess” trope in 50 Shades? Yea, well Christian has an inner something too alright, which was referred to waaay more than necessary. We get gems of dialogue like:

“I strip off all my clothes and from a drawer pull out my favorite jeans. My DJs. Dom jeans.”
― E. L. James, Grey: Fifty Shades of Grey as Told by Christian

“I ask, “Are you hungry?” “Not for food,” she teases. Whoa. She might as well be addressing my groin.”

― E. L. James, Grey: Fifty Shades of Grey as Told by Christian

“I’d forgotten the possibilities that a hardware store could present to someone like me. I mainly shop online for my needs, but while I’m here, maybe I’ll stock up on a few items. Velcro, split rings – Yeah. I’ll find the delectable Miss Steele and have some fun.”

― E. L. James, Grey: Fifty Shades of Grey as Told by Christian

Venomous (Alien Warrior): Science Fiction Romance by Penelope Fletcher

Genre: Science fiction, Romance novel, Paranormal romance, Romantic fantasy

Subject: People who cannot figure out how a woman’s reproductive system works

Length: 592 pages

Rating: 3.9/5 on Goodreads

I don’t even remember how I found this book; it was a random pick. OK I’ll admit it; it was the shiny man on the cover. The one thing I do regret is not reading the summary fully. I read aliens, and I was sold.

This story circles around a plain – the trope continues – girl who is abducted by aliens who do unspeakable – this is not even explained – things to her and sell her into slavery. Then she becomes a prize to be won in some gladiator battle as a mate. A snake man is the winner.

The fun begins here. The book has great world building, I’ll give you that but my God there is so much happening. The heroin fluctuates from calm, to horny, to outright too dumb to live.

Why should it be burnt?

Allow me to dissect the plot for you all. A woman abducted. The snake man sees her as his mate. He barters her with a cockroach mas for safety who is allowed to bad-touch her! Cockroach man wants to lay his eggs inside her. She acceptably says no. She and snake man escape. Then somehow, she publicly does stuff with three mates?

I don’t even know anymore. I feel somewhere between the pages, the plot went off for a walk.

There’s more bad-touching. Some betrayal plots. Then a thoroughly unnecessary in-depth analysis of the human birth canal. A camera was involved, don’t ask. Finally, the end.

Also, this is a series. Now, for the absolute gems in this book:

“I marriage you,” Venomous declared in a clear voice as he pushed the cold metal onto my upper arm.

“I marriage you too,” Fiercely blurted as if at risk of being left behind. He slid his gold onto my other arm. His band wasn’t as thick, nor the narrative he’d written as poignant, but there was a compelling purity underlying the account that moved me.

“I like this custom much,” he announced with a stare that radiated masculine satisfaction.
― Penelope Fletcher, Venomous (Alien Warrior): Science Fiction Romance

“An alien was an alien was an alien.”
― Penelope Fletcher, Venomous (Alien Warrior): Science Fiction Romance

“Mine body no leaking.”
― Penelope Fletcher, Venomous (Alien Warrior): Science Fiction Romance