Ah, so there are more of us. Welcome.
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Gather around people, it’s that time of the day where we can all share our embarrassing moments and grow together. Today’s story revolves around my various mental breakdowns around people and how to tackle them.
As a person who struggles over the word ‘No”, writing is a freedom. Here the words pour freely without the innumerable barriers that surround our speech usually. It’s easier to put my thoughts into order on paper.
When I think of people, I think of boxes, this is because it is how I help order my interaction with them. In boxes. My classification scheme can be described as:
- Am I comfortable with them?
- Are they sensitive to certain things?
- Will this take too long?
- Will this lead to a fight or argument and is it worth it?
Each of these questions come with their own box and my conversations corresponds to how many of these boxes are ticked. But that’s just the start, much of what happens has always depended on the situation. Now after many a trial-and-error methods I have learned to navigate the treacherous sea of humans somewhat okayishly.
To my fellow pretzels here are the 3 things that have helped me, maybe you can survive too!
Comfort And Filters
Not everything needs to be said at all times and certainly not to everyone. Filters help in that regard, at this point my filters work on auto as soon as they see a person. This is usually regarding the “Am I comfortable with them?” question.
I feel most of the times we end up oversharing, it isn’t always necessary, but we end up telling things we don’t mean to with realizing it. For me this happened so many times that I started feeling frustrated with myself. We are eager to make connections but at some point, we need to ask, do they want to connect with us?
People are friendly but we shouldn’t take this as an excuse to air all our dirty laundry at once in front of them. They don’t want to see it. Once I started realizing this it became so much easier to not scare people away from me.
Easiest way to stop oversharing is, just look at the person; have you spoken more than once? Are they just saying hello? Do you even know them?
Most of us take the word ‘Hello’ as an opener for an entire conversation, it doesn’t need to be this way. Someone politely greeting us does not need to know that our third aunts fourth son has run away with a bear. It is not necessary.
By doing this consistently there comes a point when people actively begin avoiding us and eventually even the hellos stop. We need to be the one who draws the line where the conversation ends, and this works both ways too; us talking about what is required allows us to set the boundaries for what is appropriate and what isn’t.
It becomes easier to communicate and we don’t need to keep walking on eggshells.
Sensitivity And Time
This is a bit complex. Humans by nature are prickly creatures and the way we approach people matters a lot. In fact, it sets the tone for many a conversation that we have. If we come off as rude or close minded or simply people who cannot listen to others, then we shut the door for other potential conversations.
I am not good with emotions; I’ll be the first to admit that, but I am willing to put in the effort to be better. There are somethings that I have learned along the way in order to be better at reading what’s happening around me, the first of which to listen to their tone of speaking.
People emote a lot and their tone reflects a lot of what they feel.
I understood this from the excessive arguments I had with my friends. The fact is we sometimes tend to say something that might rub someone the wrong way, it might not be a huge thing for us but for them it might be of great importance, and we should respect that. It might not even be what we have said, just the way we have said it that might have offended them.
Simply put, pay attention to the way you speak. Everyone has a different threshold for sensitivity, it isn’t up to us to decide the tone of the conversation, it’s a two-way street. It’s ok to feel irritated by this and to think why must I change? But the fact remains that if you care about that person then you must be considerate about their sentiments too.
But what if you don’t have the time?
Then back away, if at any point you feel overwhelmed or feel you are running out of time, then back away. Instead of saying something wrong and upsetting them take the time to gather your thoughts and come back.
It’s better to think before you speak rather than speak without thinking and then regret it.
Battles And Conversational Corpses
Not every battle needs to be won, some we simply fight to win the war. Getting defensive about everything has never helped anyone. Talking is fun but arguing drains the spark in the conversation, there will times when our views might not match or maybe someone else told us something in the wrong way or a bunch of other things.
So, what do we do now?
We can be angry, that’s a choice or we can just back out and come at it from a different angle. It’s easy to lose ourselves in the heat of the moment but this doesn’t solve anything, this is why I prefer to back away and try again later. It gives me time to recollect my thoughts and talk to the person and figure out what went wrong.
The reason why I avoid arguments is because of the filters, once we argue there are so many filters that spring in between that it feels like we are talking to a whole another person. We do this just to avoid another argument, so that we don’t upset them again.
Talking then feels like crossing a land filled with landmines.
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Well, this has been fun, paper doesn’t judge you as much as people do but you get to learn far more from it. At the end of the day what it comes down to is, how much do they matter to you? You can read a thousand book to better understand people, but that extra added effort must come from you, and it will always vary based on the person.
If nothing else just listen, that’s all they need.
Thank you for reading! Also, I sure do love support and coffees! 💜
