There are days when we wake up unable to identify what exactly is it that we are feeling. Something’s off. All we know is that it isn’t going to be one of our better days. Even the slightest thing manages to set us off. Alarm bells ring in our head, warning us to just stay put, but we don’t have the luxury to do that. We trundle along, hoping to get through the day. The exhaustion shrouds us like a heavy blanket.
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BEEEP, BEEEEEEP.
Allen opened his eyes blearily, his eyelids refusing to cooperate. Yawning and rubbing his eyes, he stretched out his arm to shut off the alarm.
He got out of the bed and shuffled his way towards the bathroom. The tap hissed as he turns it open and washes his face. Sighing, he looked at himself in the mirror.
His image grinned back at him viciously, the clawed hands gouging away the glass. It wanted to rip him open.
Allen closed his eyes in defeat, it was going to be a hard day.
Turning away from the ghastly figure, he made his way back to the room. Getting dressed he left for work.
Allen was right.
It was a bad day.
His boss yelled at him, he messed up his reports and was late for a meeting.
Gasping and barely holding it together he made his way towards the bathroom. Shutting the door close, he all but collapsed over the sink. Splashing cold water on his face with shaky hands, he tried to gain control over his breathing.
Looking up towards the mirror, he saw his image. It was grinning happily. Laughing it leaned towards him.
“What did you expect? You are a failure. You know you didn’t deserve this job. Worthless.”
His legs shaking, he stepped away from it, wincing as it continued to laugh cruelly.
The words dug deep.
“It’s my fault. I should have done better.”, Allen muttered dully.
He almost collided with someone as he stepped outside.
“Woah. Careful there. I almost hit you.”
It was Wendy, the receptionist. She clasped his shoulder to steady him, a coffee held in the other hand.
“Sorrr…sorry”, Allen stammered as he walked away quickly.
Wendy looked on in surprise.
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People coin terms for it that even they don’t understand. The push and pull of a stranger’s opinion drown us quicker than water. Sometimes it’s better to walk away.
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Allen sighed feeling exhausted as he stepped back into his small apartment. The continuous scrutiny of his office colleagues drained him mentally.
He changed into his pyjamas and dropped onto the couch and put his head between his knees to calm himself. The events of the day crashed into him. Every mistake he made, each small error. All of it. Drowning him.
“So stupid. How could I have filed it wrong?”, he muttered.
“I should have done better”, he continued to himself.
A sudden noise cut through the quiet. It was the phone.
Pulling himself up, Allen made his way towards it.
“Hello?”, he answered.
“Allen! Honey how are you?”
“Mom…I’m good. Busy with the new job. It’s taking some time to get adjusted is all.”, he replied.
“Are you stressing yourself out about little things again?”, she tsked.
“No. I am doing just fine.”, Allen muttered twisting the cord of the phone in his fingers.
“Well, if anything you know you can speak to Dr. Werner, right? He such a nice man. Now if your dad was still around, we wouldn’t….”, she went on, chattering away about inane things.
Allen hemmed and hawed before finally convincing his mother to keep the phone after agreeing to speak to Dr. Werner if anything happened.
Pointless he thought. The good doctor more often than not, threw complex terms around and sent him on his way with a bunch of prescriptions and a friendly pat on his back saying, “It’s all just in your head son, shake it off.”.
Why pay $500 to be spoken to instead of speaking?
Allen laid down on the couch again, his eyes drifting close in exhaustion. The voice at the back of his head snickered.
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The human mind is fascinating. You could try countless ways to break the psych and not a single scratch would be made, yet simple words manage to twist it beyond repair.
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The steady chatter of voices began to grate on Allen’s nerves. His shoulders hunched further as he heard laughter, almost bowing into his drink. He hated parties, went out of his way to avoid them. But this was a mandatory office party, so he had to sit through it.
“Just few more minutes. Few more minutes.”, he repeated under his breath, avoiding any and all eye contact.
“Hey! Allen, right?”, a voice called out cheerfully.
Startled, Allen looked towards the source of the voice. It was Wendy.
“Yea…?”, he replied doubtfully, unsure of what she wanted from him.
“Sorry if I disturbed you, but you looked like you could use the company. You alright?”, she asked as she slid into the seat next to him at the bar.
Was he alright?
“Yes.”, he lied quickly.
“Ok…you can go with that.”, she laughed.
Wendy chattered on, filling the silence with casual conversation. For a moment Allen felt relaxed. Part of something.
“Wendy! There you are!”, a group of people started making their way towards them.
“Oh look! It’s some of my friends, let me introduce you to them.”, Wendy said happily as she waved them over.
The group quickly descended over them; the noise swallowed any bravery Allen was feeling. He slipped away quickly before Wendy could make any introductions. He didn’t want to make a fool of himself.
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“Who were you talking to Wendy?”, asked Paul.
“Just someone…”, frowned Wendy as she looked around for Allen.
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Allen splashed water over his face, trying to calm his nerves. The noise of the party a dull drone now. Grabbing a paper towel, he dried himself and peered up at the mirror.
The image smiled back crookedly.
“Friends, really? How do you think that’s going to end?”
“Do you think they’ll still like you when you screw up eventually?”
Allen grimaced and nodded in acceptance as the voice grew louder and the words harsher.
He was glad he had left early.
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Making friends is easy. One can interact with a stranger easily. They are empty books after all. We can choose how we write our story within them.
You can be funny. You can be mysterious. You can be yourself.
But when we meet them again is where the problems begin. You have to remember the role you chose to play. The ink dries up, now we can only hope that the words we had written were worthwhile.
Those words are the foundation upon which your friendship is formed. You are no longer strangers. Keeping friends is hard.
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Allen typed away at his computer, the sound of the steady clicks from the keyboard soothing him.
A knock sounded behind him, startling him.
“Sorry. I keep scaring you.”, Wendy smiled and leaned against his cubicle.
“It’s alright. You needed something?”, Allen muttered clenching and unclenching his fingers nervously.
“Just wanted to give you this fax.”, she replied as she held out the fax.
“Thank you.”, he replied and turned away immediately, focusing on the monitor until he heard Wendy’s steps fade away. Sighing he laid his head on the desk.
After a while he looked at the fax that Wendy had given him.
It was about the monthly meeting held for all employees. But why was he the only one who had gotten a fax about it?
Allen quickly read through the contents, feeling faint as he reached the end.
He was going to be awarded employee of the month!
“How?! How was this possible?! Surely this was a mistake. Or a prank! Was Wendy behind all of this? Pretending to be a friend only to ridicule him in from of everyone?”, thoughts raced through Allen’s head with dizzying speed.
He buried his head between his knees, trying to get his breath under control. Calming down a little, he looked up at the monitor. His image stared back at him, this time laughing openly.
“You? Employee of the month? My, my, the standards have fallen quite low. Surely you don’t believe this. You don’t deserve this.”
Allen could only nod. He felt numb.
“Hey? Allen? Are you ok?”, a hand shook him out of his dark thoughts.
“What…?”, he turned around in a panic.
“Hey, it’s ok. It’s just me.”, Wendy stood there, looking worried.
“Sorry. Yea. Yea, I am ok.”, he replied shakily.
“Just, the fax caught me off guard. Employee of the month? Me?”, he continued, looking at the fax in disbelief.
“Ok, none of that. You deserve it.”, Wendy said firmly.
“Really. Do I?”, he laughed harshly.
“Yes. Yes, you do.”, Wendy repeated firmly.
Allen calmed down and looked at the grinning image doubtfully for the first time. The image frowned.
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Doubt is one of the hardest thorns to shake away from our side. No matter how many times you try it will not fall away on its own. You need to pay attention and believe you are capable of removing it yourself.
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Allen tugged at his tie uncomfortably as he looked through the glass wall at the half-filled conference room from outside.
“So many people.”, he muttered nervously.
What if he tripped and embarrassed himself?
What if this was a mistake?
The image on the glass wall smirked.
“Failure.”
“You’re going to be just fine.”, a hand touched his arm comfortingly.
“Thanks Wendy.”, he said quietly.
“Hey, I didn’t startle you this time!”, she said happily.
“Yea. Getting used to it.”, Allen laughed.
They laughed and walked in together.
The image growled in anger.
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The meeting went well, Allen tripped only once as he went up to get the award. But he laughed it off as he saw Wendy cheering him on.
Feeling relaxed he calmly sipped on his drink.
“So that went well. Told you you’d be fine.”, Wendy spoke, leaning against the glass wall sipping her own drink as she smiled.
“You did. Thank you.”, Allen replied.
“Well looks like you owe me. And I choose now to collect.”
Allen immediately became nervous, the walls coming up.
“Wha…what do you need?”, he stuttered nervously.
“How about those introductions I promised you? All I need from you, is to not run.”, Wendy gestured towards her friends.
“Promise they’re nice”, she continued, smiling.
Wendy’s friends noticed and waved them over, laughing happily.
Allen looked at the image on the glass wall.
It glared at him.
“Fool.”
For once he ignored it and turned away.
“You alright?”, Wendy asked quietly.
“Yes.”, Allen replied firmly and smiled.
The voice shrieked in anger.
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One good day doesn’t wipe away a string of bad days. But it’s a start. It’s the anchor we needed. Something to ground our adrift ship.
It’s an uphill battle, making a change. Letting go of preconceived ideas that we have of ourselves isn’t a one-day job. It takes time. Patience. Trust.
It begins with us taking the first step.
It could be something simple. Trying something new, doing something we haven’t done before.
Or letting in the people who care for us. Or walking from the ones who don’t.
It starts with the first step.
