Time to take notes
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The benefit of being antisocial is the fact that you get to observe more than others. This is mainly due to the fact that we are highly talented in avoiding human contact, and this is only possible when we know where said humans are; so that we can avoid them.
Something that I get to observe over and over again is the emotional juggling one has to do when we have to communicate with someone. It reminds me of minesweeper. There are only so many indications that can be given before we step over a landmine and call it a day.
Over the years I have worked upon the art of emotional management. My friends call it avoidance, diplomacy, or simply put the ostrich theory – I’ll explain this in a while – but I call it the Avoidance, Acceptance and Application theory.
I’m not the best conversationalist but when you care about someone, I do believe in giving it your all. So, in some way this does help me. But almost all of this was built upon watching interactions go horribly wrong.
Now, let’s see if we can get it right.
The Fools Merry-Go-Round
There isn’t anywhere you can run and hide when you care about a person, in fact it’s impossible to hide from them. This is our fault by the way. It’s because we care. When the word care becomes part of the equation, hiding is a pointless endeavor.
I guess this is where the avoidance part enters the equation. People love to share. Sometimes we share too much. When we share, we more or less want people to care. But we forget, no matter how much we want them too, people can’t care all the time. It’s sadly the truth; problems only seem like problems when they happen to us.
Most of the time, I run from them. I run from their problems, I run from their worries. But…what if I care?
What if it’s a friend?
We have so many labels for this relationship; colleague, friend, best friend etc. But it’s just another person whom we value. I cannot form bonds with someone whom I don’t care at least little about. I don’t feel anybody can.
I have seen many times my friends running from another’s emotions saying, “Why should I care when it’s not related to us?” or “I don’t have the energy for this.”
But we do care and in a way we should, simply because we care about them. I mean who else will they go to?
Part of the friendship deal is, we can’t avoid each other, even emotions.
Step 1:
Don’t run.
Let’s crawl to step 2.
The Boiling Frogs Acceptance
When you have more or less decided to keep a friend, you have decided to be a part of their… as I call it “bitch fest” or more politely termed, “sharing displeasure sessions”. It a part of the deal.
The best part about friendship is, you get to peel off a layer from the rigid mask you wear all day. Friends get to see a side of you that no one else has ever seen, so the acceptance is worth the price.
I can’t count the number of times I spent listening to a friend’s drama; the 5-minute summary, the 1-hour rant and the weeklong recap with follow up. I used to be frustrated, and there were even times when I spent dodging them but then I felt so guilty. Not just because of the running, it felt like betrayal.
I mean who else can we turn to?
It’s rare to find someone who fits us better than our own skin. Their drama is worth that price.
Step 2:
Hear them out, even if it isn’t about you.
Almost there.
The Duct Tape Patchwork
Time to apply our superpowers. Once we choose to stay, things become easier; after all, from that point we actually become invested in their troubles. From then onwards it’s easy to flow along with the emotions. You pick up on what they need and flow along to that.
Here’s where the Ostrich Theory pops in.
My friends call all this just going through the motions just so that we don’t upset them. Why put on an act? Why not be honest?
Is honesty worth all that though? It seems harsh sometimes.
I understand our reactions differ, but we don’t diminish just from listening.
The Theory of Potatoes
It seems a lot of work, showing emotion. The person matters though. There were a lot of times when I just wished someone would listen. It didn’t matter whether they understood, just that someone would listen.
The fact that there was no one there did manage to affect my ability to communicate later. This was due to the fact that it seemed like no one cared.
Friends are the emergency therapists we turn towards late at night. Because we know they care.
So, spending few minutes listening is worth the price.
Step 3:
Don’t brush it off. It matters to them.
We made it.
