This doesn’t end well.
Yes. Such an uncomplicated word, yet I can trace nearly all my problems back to it. It isn’t that I dislike hearing it, on the contrary, I love to hear it; “Why, yes you may have the day off!”, “Yes, you have won at life!”. The problem arises when I end up saying it.
I can never stop saying it. It’s as though my brains’ default mode is yes. No matter how long I prolong my reasoning, I end up returning to it. Reluctantly, furiously, and dejectedly returning to it. I noticed this pattern a while back, actually a close friend of mine bought it to my notice. He did so while laughing at my sad predicament, while I didn’t appreciate the snark, I did appreciate the observation. Though of course like any reasonable adult I chose to pitch my tent on the banks of denial about it, but soon I couldn’t ignore it. I mean there are only so many ways one can ruin their own lives before the realization sinks in.
…
It started small,
“Hey, do you have an extra pen?”
“Yes, yes I do.”
I didn’t. I gave up my only pen and stared blankly at my desk while I wondered what I was going to do during math class. Needless to say, I ended up borrowing a pen.
Then it started growing,
“Hey, do you want to come to this party?”
“Yes, yes I do.”
And there went my evening, where I spent majority of my time hidden in a corner, avoiding conversations, and generally just feeling miserable. I am never one for crowds, my awkward self prefers bookshelves over parties.
The talent of saying yes soon started to take over a good chunk of my life, where I spent half my time completing tasks that I had no interest in or spending my day in a frustrating limbo.
Soon it slithered into my workplace.
“Hi! Listen, I need a favor from you. Could you please do this work? I would ask someone else, but no one else can do it better than you!”
“I umm….ok sure yes!”
Dammit! This accursed word! I spent the entire day completing someone else’s task.
Why though? What is the reason for this? I spent days musing over the reason. I never could reach a valid reasoning, just patched together a bunch of thoughts that made vague sense. Allow me to give you my Brain Tour.
Bienvenue to the messy patches in my thought process.
At first, I thought it was me being kind, but doesn’t that come with limitations? Is it supposed to? I mean till which point is a person allowed to be kind? I would like to think that the stopping point would be where it begins to affect us negatively. That’s where this theory broke down.
Moving on to the second one, perhaps it was me not wanting to disappoint anyone. This seemed like a more solid theory, but then it didn’t apply always. There were times when I did say no. I played around with this reasoning until it had more holes than Swiss cheese. I left it for a while until I returned to it.
…
Third time’s the charm. It came to me after a particularly bad bout of Yes – more on it later in this sad tale, is this scroll-baiting? – I was laying down in my bed, brooding over why I couldn’t seem to stop, I even Googled it; “Why do I keep saying Yes?”. Turns out there’s a whole bunch of us out there and there is no scenario with a happy ending if we don’t start filtering out our Yes power. So, I read through it all, Quora to Cosmo to shady forums (this was a fun read), there were various stories, advice, and whatnot, but it all cycled back to one thing, people pleasing.
We have this innate desire to please someone else. Why? I have no clue, just that we do. Maybe it’s for acceptance or because someone else’s validation is far more important to us than our own happiness.
Mankind chased fire, good. Mankind chased food, good. Mankind chased modernization, good. Mankind chased approval, sad, bad, and probably a lonely death.
…
This brings me back to my bad bout which led to my acceptance of this issue, marriage.
“Do you want to marry him?”
“Uh…umm…yes!”
Dear gawd! The mess that followed me for months after that still causes me to shudder. How? How can someone manage to live their life in a fourth person mode is beyond me, yet I did. I managed to shut the door on each and every red flag that knocked upon it. There came a point where, I kid you not, a godly intervention took place to stop this farce before Darwinism took over.
We are creatures who thrive upon imaginations and happy endings. We manage to construct entire empires based upon our needs and desires. This eventually transcends to our daily lives. We can ignore everything around us as long as our construct stays true. Reality at this point becomes a sad neighbor who occasionally knocks on our doors for a cup of sugar, at which point we feel bad and let it in.
…
In my sad potato mind, everything was fine, I made my family happy, I made him happy, but I knew something was off.
I knew this Yes was going to cost me more than just a bad day.
Luckily, I had a few sensible people around me who could see past the façade and stood by me when everything crumbled. We have instincts for a reason, we ignore them now more than ever, but it exists for a reason and that is, to listen to it.
What surprised me was, it persisted. It twisted into this weird amalgamation of guilty, depressed and angry Yes. After the marriage drama I felt more inclined than ever to say Yes, if only to alleviate the guilt I felt for cancelling the marriage. This in turn spiraled into further horrible decisions, till I finally reached a steady state of, I’m Done.
I disassociated from a lot of things, I started to float around, spending much of my time not caring. It wasn’t the healthiest way of dealing with things, but it was the most relaxing. Your brain buzzes less, you feel less, you feel free, the walls of your make-believe empire never felt stronger. The neighbor knocks less. Then you realize there is literally nothing stopping you from crash-landing into far worse scenarios, since you are saying Yes even more freely.
This floating thing is a bad idea. I ended up saying Yes to so many things, I don’t even have a count anymore. I was somehow subscribed to some weird pottery website along with some car insurance website. I don’t even have a car, also pottery isn’t my thing.
I woke up in stages, brain, emotions, and sanity. Someone sensible once told me, “This cesspit will remain as long as you try to please others.”
That’s the first Yes that felt right.
…
It hasn’t gotten better dramatically, but I do filter my Yes’s. It’s a painstaking task. Every time I say No, I feel as though my soul shrivels up a little. I flinch, waiting for the person to walk away, they don’t.
We tend to forget, even they want validation. We all are similar, some of us are just a little better at hiding.
The only way that works in this Yes game is, talking. Either to someone or even ourselves. I am not the best at conversation, so I just spend a whole lot of time talking and reasoning with myself or if I am feeling particularly brave, with someone I trust.
Just talk it out, even if it’s for a second. Is this important? Necessary? How will this affect me?
Do I want to do it?
If the answer for this is No. Walk away. If you hesitate, even a bit, walk away. Trust me, nothing is worth the mental aggravation you feel later.
The mental construct only feels wonderful for so long. It’s ok to stay there, but once you get comfortable, you stop noticing the constant state of siege your mind is under. Never float too far from your wheels.
This game does not come with an instruction manual, you learn the rules as you go. Sometimes the rules change, sometimes it all goes up in flames and we stand in the corner hoping we have an extra life. Through all this I managed to realize one thing, Yes is a game I am stuck playing.
